


Brooms, Bludgers, Ballycastle Bats

by Patriceavril



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Friendship, Funny, Gen, Humor, Impersonation, Parody, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:41:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27438247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Patriceavril/pseuds/Patriceavril
Summary: James and Lily impersonate each other and hilarity ensues. This is an extremely silly one-shot inspired by the scenes in The Office when Jim and Dwight impersonate each other
Comments: 3
Kudos: 2





	Brooms, Bludgers, Ballycastle Bats

“Has anyone seen my Quidditch jersey?” James asked, launching himself into his favorite armchair by the fire and swinging his leg around so they draped lazily over the side. “I’ve just torn apart the dormitory and can’t find it anywhere.”

“Have you checked up your arse?” Sirius inquired innocently.

“Ha ha,” James said sarcastically. “Moony? Wormtail? Either of you know where it is?”

They both shook their heads. James frowned and stood, then began pulling the cushions off the chair and checking underneath them. His jersey was nowhere in sight, although he did find a broken quill, a Knut, and a chess piece. Discouraged, he replaced the cushions and sat down again, running a hand through his hair in irritation.

“All right, Potter?” Lily Evans ambled over to their spot by the fire, whistling a tune that sounded suspiciously like “Jingle Bells.” James detected something distinctly off about her mannerisms. She didn’t usually move that way, did she? It was almost a saunter or a strut, not her usual brisk, efficient stride. She looked different, too: her hair, which usually fell neatly around her face, now had a tousled, windblown appearance, and she was wearing…

“Prongs, I found your Quidditch jersey!” Peter pointed out excitedly, gesturing at the red and gold jersey draped loosely over Lily’s thin frame. 

“Evans, I’ve been looking all over for that! Where did you get it?” James demanded.

“Nicked it,” Lily answered easily, sitting down forcefully and dangling her legs from the chair’s arm. 

James raised his eyebrows, puzzled. “Well if you wanted to borrow it, all you had to do was ask.” Had she taken it from his dormitory? That was very unlike Evans. So was the way she was sitting: she never sprawled out like that, preferring to curl into herself and take up as little space as possible. Even the tone of her voice sounded wrong; it contained a casual, arrogant note that reminded him of something, although he couldn’t identify it.

“What’s up with your hair?” Sirius asked. “You haven’t been in a broom closet with some bloke, have you? It looks a bit messy.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Lily replied airily, running a hand through her hair and tousling it even more. “It always looks like this, Padfoot.” 

Sirius looked around at his friends in confusion, certain she had never used that nickname for him before, but they only shrugged, equally confused.

“Hmm, things are a bit blurry,” Lily observed, pulling a pair of glasses from her pocket and putting them on, then nodding in satisfaction. “That’s better.”

“Why are you wearing glasses?” James asked suspiciously. “You don’t wear glasses.”

She ignored him, pulling a Snitch from her pocket and beginning to toy with it. Her reflexes were not great, so she only allowed it to fly a short distance from her hand before snatching it back again. 

“You lot fancy sneaking out tonight to do that thing?” She looked around at them meaningfully. “You know, that  _ thing _ that we can’t tell Potter about? Sorry, Potter, but it’s on a need to know basis, and you don’t need to know.”

“What are you talking about?” Remus asked, although he had an inkling he knew what she was getting at.

“Oh, you know what I’m talking about, Moony,” she said, lowering her voice conspiratorially and managing to tousle her hair again and grab the snitch with the other hand.

James snorted with laughter. “You’re talking out of your ass.”

“Oh, am I, Potter?” she challenged.

“Yeah, you are,” he insisted. “And what the hell are you doing with that Snitch?”

“Oh, I’m just practicing for the upcoming Quidditch match,” she answered. “Gotta practice the Wonky Faint and the Body Blow and the, er, Dobblebeater Defense.” She grinned confidently at him. 

“First of all, only one of those is a Seeker move, and it’s ‘Wronski Feint,’ not ‘Wonky Faint,’” he began, but she cut him off.

“Brooms. Bludgers. Ballycastle Bats.” She tousled her hair yet again, making it almost stand on end. “You know, I don’t think I’ve gotten detention in the last five minutes. What do you say we go hex the next person who walks by us, or maybe we should enlarge Bertram Aubrey’s head again, or hey, let’s set off dungbombs at a really inconvenient time, so people have to go around and are late for class. We can use my Invisibility Cloak that I just conveniently happen to own. How about it, Padfoot, Moony, Rattail?” She raised her eyebrows at the three Marauders inquisitively.

Sirius, Remus and Peter roared with laughter, and Peter only managed to choke out, “Rattail,” before dissolving into laughter once again. James, however, did not appear at all amused. 

“What are you playing at, Evans?”

“I have no idea what you mean, Potter. Hey, would you like to go out with me? No? Well, don’t worry, I’ll go ahead and ask you fifty more times, just in case you change your mind.” She tousled her hair once again.

“Are you mocking me?” James demanded. “Identity theft is not a joke, Evans!”

“Oh, well done, Evans, that impression is spot-on,” Sirius gasped, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. “The jersey, the hair, the Quidditch gabble, everything - brilliant.”

“Why thank you, Padfoot.” She stood and took a bow, then released the Snitch and attempted a particularly ambitious save, but she reacted too slowly and the Snitch flew out of her reach. “Oh, bloody hell!” she cursed, pulling her wand out of her pocket. “ _ Accio Snitch!” _

“You can’t Summon a Snitch,” James said, shaking his head. “Rookie mistake.”

“Now you’ve ruined it,” Peter commented. “James never would have missed that one.”

“Oh shut it, Rattail,” Remus quipped, and they all fell about laughing, except Lily, who looked perplexed.

“Is that not his silly little nickname?” she asked, frowning.

“It’s Wormtail, and our nicknames are not silly,” Sirius replied.

“Close enough,” Lily said, shrugging. “Well, I’ll see you boys around.” She began to head for the portrait hole, giving them a lazy wave over her shoulder and still imitating James’s walk.

“Evans, quit walking like that!” James called. “And I’m going to need that jersey back!” He sighed in exasperation, then stood and jogged after her. “And you forgot your Snitch!”

Sirius managed to stop laughing and turned to his remaining two friends, looking thoughtful. “Is it just me, or is Evans impersonating Prongs a lot hotter than regular Evans?”

“It’s just you,” Remus replied.

“Yes, definitely just you,” Peter confirmed.

The next evening, Lily bounded down the dormitory stairs and into the common room, heading for the cluster of chairs in front of the fire.

“Have you seen Potter? I have his jersey,” she said, holding up his folded Quidditch jersey.

“You know, I think he’ll be down in a minute,” Remus answered, grinning.

“What a coincidence. There he is now,” Sirius added, pointing.

Lily turned, and immediately dissolved into peals of laughter. James stood before her, wearing what was clearly one of her sweaters stuffed with some sort of fruit (apples? grapefruits?). He wore a long red wig and swung his hip in an exaggerated manner as he walked. As he approached them he almost ran into Peter’s chair, and only just managed to remain on his feet by grabbing onto the top of Remus’s head.

“Is he all right?” Lily muttered to Sirius.

“He can’t see shit without his glasses,” Sirius explained. “But they don’t fit with his ensemble.”

“Oh, hello,” James drawled in an exaggerated falsetto. “I’m Evans. I’m a prefect. I go to Slug Club parties and Slughorn thinks the sun shines out of my arsehole just because I’m decent at Potions.” He walked around in a circle, continuing to swing his hips with every step.

“Is that really what I look and sound like?” Lily asked, appalled.

“Not even a little bit,” Sirius assured her. “You do a much better impression of Prongs than he does of you.”

“How did he get my sweater?” She couldn’t help chuckling as James tossed the locks of his red wig and gave an unsuccessful attempt at a girlish giggle.

“Mary nicked it for him. She couldn’t resist this chance to see James make a total prat of himself,” Sirius confessed. 

“Potter, you’re an arrogant toerag and I wouldn’t go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid. You make me sick, Potter!” James trilled in his horrible falsetto. He seemed to have run out of ideas, because he added, “Ooh, I’m Evans, snarky little comment,” and fixed Lily with a disdainful glare, then turned and headed for the portrait hole. He made it about halfway there before he tripped over a second year’s foot and went sprawling, losing his wig in the process.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Lily muttered, hurrying over to help him up.

“They really are perfect for each other, aren’t they?” Remus observed.

“You think they’ll get their act together and start dating soon?” Peter asked.

“I hope not,” Sirius said. One of James’s apples had fallen out of his sweater and rolled away, coming to rest by Sirius’s foot. He picked it up and examined it, then dusted it off and took a bite, shrugging.“This is way more entertaining to watch.”


End file.
